3 years ago today I left Olympia, WA, the home I’d built for myself for 12 years, to create a new life for myself.
3 years deep into this new life and career path and I still regularly live with feelings of not enough. In fact, in some regards they’ve only gotten louder as I’ve progressed.
As I reflect back on what I’ve created over the past 3 years it really highlights the words some part whispers or shouts from within me: “You don’t make enough money.” “You don’t have enough clients.” “You haven’t had a big enough impact.” “You should be farther along.” “Your work is shit.” “You are shit.”
Particularly considering that since that day 3 years ago I have…
- Gone on a road trip for 6 months around the entire US.
- Coached hundreds of people from all over the world.
- Touched the hearts and lives of tens or hundreds of thousands more through my writing and podcasting.
- Had dozens of clients find my work valuable enough to pay me to work with me.
- Cultivated an incredibly deep and powerful sense of self.
- Created a ripple of healing that’s impacted most or all of the very closest people in my life and family.
- Been invited to co-facilitate at men’s retreats internationally.
- Developed close relationships with some of the top players in the worlds of personal growth/spirituality/human sexuality.
- Generated over 6 figures of income through my business ventures.
- Started two podcasts that have been listened to by tens of thousands.
- Experienced the most amazing romantic relationship that I never knew was possible.
- Traveled all around the country and world to lead workshops.
- Cultivated deep AND wide professional and personal networks.
- Accessed truly core levels of inner healing that my body’s been yearning for my entire life.
- Unlocked profound states of sexual energy, unconditional love for myself and others, personal power, deep joy, curiosity, and on and on. I feel more alive today than I ever could have conceived possible.
- Had the experience of being able to truly feel other beings for the first time since I was a tiny child.
- Created The Los Angeles Men’s Community.
- Become highly knowledgeable around somatic resolution and healing of trauma.
- Found and moved to a city that, for the first time in my life, truly feels like home.
And still the voices say “You don’t make enough money.” “You don’t have enough clients.” “You haven’t had a big enough impact.” “You should be farther along.” “Your work is shit.” “You are shit.”
Yet somehow I’m more at peace with them, with the trajectory of my life, and with my own self than I ever have been.
It’s not that I don’t experience pain and struggle, I sure as hell have my moments, but somehow I also find myself deeply curious about and in awe of these voices and the soul piercing emotional wounding they spring forth from.
Somehow, despite the voices, life continues forward, I keep growing, money keeps flowing, business keeps growing, love keeps deepening, beauty keeps unfolding, the people around me keep loving me, I keep crying, my heart keeps opening, my connection to my body keeps deepening, and life continues to not simply sustain, but flourish within and around me.
Somehow… right? As if those voices in my head had anything to do with reality.
They’re important, yes. They point to truths inside of myself, but they’re not THE truth. They don’t reflect the truth of my path. They don’t reflect the truth of the world around me.
The truth surrounds me on a constant basis. It whispers guidance to me even when I think I can’t hear it. It holds me even when I feel utterly alone. I nourishes me even when I feel empty. It comforts me even as I suffer.
And my body and soul register and receive this support. It’s what we’re built to do, after all.
I’m grateful. Thank you to everyone I’ve touched, or who’s touched me over the past 3 years.
It’s incredible to hold the awareness of what’s been created within and through me over a few sometimes-short-seeming-sometimes-long-seeming years.
There’s so much life ahead of me and to try to conceive of the beauty that will be created within and through me over the next 3 years, let alone the next 30, would be like trying to describe God by typing some words into a Facebook status update.
Yet it’s one of the tools for communication I’ve got, and I can’t help but try sometimes.
Grace is here in this moment. It’s within us, between us, and surrounds us. It doesn’t matter a single bit whether we believe it is nor not.
It simply is.