So many men focus on the state of their sex lives as a pain point, but what many of us don’t get is that the quality of our sex is just an indicator for something deeper.

Although the physical act of sex is something we definitely yearn for, after talking to hundreds of men and women about their sex lives the deepest recurring desire is for deep emotional intimacy.

Sex is just the canary in the coal mine.

If the bird is dying you don’t spend time trying to revive the bird, you get to the underlying root cause: The noxious, invisible fumes filling up the mine shafts.

By the same token, if your sex life is anything other than vibrant and joyful it’s a sign that there are stuck and noxious emotions keeping you from the level of intimacy you want. To get back to a vibrant sex life the pain, resentments, witholds, and shame all need to be cleared out.

What makes this whole process even more challenging and painful is that as men we too often try to go it alone. Trying to do this work alone is suicide for any man’s sex life or relationship. It simply will not work. Going it alone is NOT a sign of strength. You know what takes true strength and balls? Vulnerability.

When we introduce vulnerability into the process the shame and pain get cleared out and released. Gone.

Then, like pure, clean water flowing back into a bottle that had the muck sprayed out, intimacy will automatically make its way back into the relationship.

That’s the game. Easy in theory, oftentimes a bit more difficult to implement in practice, and always deeply rewarding.